Is more joy even possible? And yet, it seems that when I think it will never get better than this one moment, it does. And my heart is blown into a thousand wondering ways.
That's what was playing through my heart in that very moment. The moment I breathed him in deeply, the moment I stared at all of his teeny-tiny delicate features. The moment I met his sweet personality and knew, just knew that would be who he was even as he grew older.
He has remained true to that time and time again.
Sweet, oh so sweet.
His eyes have always found mine. his arms have always held onto me in ways neither of my older boys did. It's as if he knew I needed to savor him and those moments for just a little longer.
And I hung on to everything. Actually, after he was born, I started to hang on to all my boys a little bit more. Not in a bad way, not in a smothering way. In just a way that made me realize how short this time really is. This time where I have them all to myself. Because all too soon, they are going to open their wings and fly. And I need to know that I didn't miss a moment, and that I can let them fly with confidence and not try to hold them back.
It hasn't been easy. We've all made lots of mistakes. Myself especially.
Days I've declared do-overs. Or wish that I could wipe clean and forget. But we've all held on to each other for the ride. And for that I am so thankful.
Moving into a family of five has been amazing, refreshing and full of soul-surrendering joy.
And this dear Davis one saved me. I'm sure of that. I've said it before, and it is so true that he allows me to stop, to breathe, to try and collect my quick tempered ways. It's like he knows me more than myself at times.
He just has a softness that cannot be explained. People meet him and fall in love. I look at him and am constantly reminded of God's grace and love. He embodies it.
This past month he has changed in many ways, and yet stayed the same little person he is. Again, I've been reminded how his scrunchy baby legs are really really a thing of the past. And there is no turning back time. So onward we must march into this thing called growing up.
We definitely see a lot more of this.
Walking is now his main mode of transportation. he can stand up in the middle of the room and stand himself up.
This month has been TERRIBLE for him (and us) and sleep. Every hour. Sometimes he gives a little more, sometimes a little less. You know you don't have a good sleeper when they sleep for 3 hours straight and you think to yourself "wow, he slept REALLY well last night".
He got the worst case of hand, foot, and mouth disease.(which added a whole other dimension to his sleeplessness) It was all down his throat, and I have never seen anyone so incredibly miserable. It was the saddest, and I'm hoping something we will never have to go through again.
He's also started this habit where he goes down perfectly at night, wakes up as soon as his big brothers go down. And will kindly decline the thought of going back down until he comes and spends a solo hour with just mama and daddy. I think he secretly craves some one on one time. And he is so sweet and cute during that hour that we cave almost every time. Then usually he goes down like his day is finally complete.
He only wants me when he wakes up. His brothers love to bust into his room when they hear him crying. And this only makes his crying get louder, but the moment I walk through the door....crying stops. And he reaches for me or sometimes he just stands there, peering over the top his railing....and I know he is smiling by the squint of his eyes.
This often happens at night with Kyle, sometimes he will cry and scream and carry on until Kyle brings him to me, and then...silence.
Way to make this mama's heart melt....one of the perks of separation anxiety.
(right now he is sitting in his highchair eating, every time I look over at him, I'm met with him staring at me with a big, cheesy grin.)
he still loves, loves, loves to eat. Everything. Anything. Anytime. I'm convinced he has this secret sense that knows the second I get ready to eat anything. And then he laser beams the food, looks as me with giant pleading eyes, a smirk...and if that doesn't do it, he resorts to squawking until he gets a bite.
I think he has learned how to say cracker. If I ask him to say cracker, he smacks his lips and then says something that sounds like "ta-ter" he of course says mama, and sometimes cries it if he wants out of his crib. And sometimes says "dada".
He still nurses about 3-4 times a day. And about a million and one times at night.
He is quite taken by his big brothers milk cups and can often be found snatching them when they aren't looking. And then dumps the milk all over my floor, completely unaware and absolutely happy about it.
he takes after Bennett with his climbing endeavors. I always find him trying to hoist his leg up on something. Sometimes he succeeds. But then there are a lot of tumbles, resulting in goose eggs and bruises.
He's a tough one. It takes a lot for him to cry because he's hurt. He just walked smack dab into the table....it knocked him down. he looked up at me, smiled....picked himself back up and off he went.
Bennett also taught him how to spit. (thank you Bennett). And he blows kisses with a "Mmmm-Aaaa".
He whips and then he nay-nays, loves to bounce up and down to music, and puts his hands in the air when his brothers start singing "Hail to the Lord Almighty".
He loves playing with balls, dinosaurs, that hammer toy, eating chalk and picking things up and placing them in my hands.
He weighs a whoppin 20 lbs (30th percentile) and is 29in tall (16th percentile) once again, Kyle I'm sorry....my genes win again. he's still wearing a size 3 diaper...about to bump up to a size 4 just for night leaking sake. He has 8 teeth and his dr thinks his upper molars might be on there way.
And then here we are, wrapping up the last of his monthly posts. Me lost in nostalgia land as think about all that this year as held, and how so much has changed...yet, it feels just like we are where we should be.
I ponder what the following years will hold. How he will grow into the mold of who he was made to be. What life circumstances will shape him for the better. Will he continue to be his own little person, or will I start to see more similarities between his brothers. Will his calm sweetness and persistence push him far into life or will other traits become more prevalent and defining factors.
But still.....I can't help but miss this.
And my heart may break a little still knowing that he will be our last.
Sometimes I miss the feel of him napping on my chest so much that I think I will cry forever for it back. How thankful I am that I chose to let him nap on me for nearly 5 months of his life...how I savored those moments. In the stillness, just him and I.
I knew one day it would be over. It just happened faster than I ever thought possible.
My last baby, no longer a baby.
I have no words. I really don't. YOU are amazing. God has big plans for you. My heart could not love you any more if it tried. Thanks for bringing the softness that my heart needed. My little breath of fresh air, God knew.
I'm thankful for that---that God always knows.
I love you, my big--little boy.