Finding the joy

I'm going to be honest, we have had some rough days lately in the attitude department. The days with my two oldest have seemed really, really long. There have been some off the wall tantrums, that annoying disrespectful sinfulness seems to have wrapped its wiry fingers around my oldests heart. And I find myself pleading with my own sinfulness to not allow it to get the better of me, to keep my cool, to not stoop to a 4 year old's level.....and yet, I do. I go there, and probably beyond.

The other day, my mood was so down the drain that I decided I had two choices. I could either let it continue on the course that I had allowed it to go. Or, I could start looking for the joy.

I chose to go looking.

And I found myself smiling more and more throughout the day. This is the joy that is hidden among the rough patches that we are navigating ourselves through.

I found this little (ok, fine. Big) boy.

The one who does everything with passion, excitement, and intent. His one track mind is both my favorite and hardest thing about him. Like his obsession with birthdays. All I can say is we have celebrated Bennett's "birthday" at least 3 times every week this past month. He makes "cakes" out of half onions, piled up fruit (that usually end up good and bruised and practically garbage after all is said and done) I have to light candles, sing "happy birthday" and endure birthday decorations (aka plastic cups, strips of paper, odds and ends) strewn all over the floor of my living room. All in the name of a birthday. So imagine his excitement when it's actually someone's real birthday!

Lately, I hear him going about his day with a new sing-songy narrative that is half folsky, half country twang with some good vibrato thrown in. It's pretty cute.

I'm learning to let go of my fears with this boy. Especially as I watch him bobsledding himself down our hills in his plasma car. Legs propped up, head down...zooming so fast. My heart always skips a beat, and then I remind myself this is just the beginning....deep breaths.

I didn't even know he knew how to cross his eyes until he wanted me to take the above picture. It makes me laugh every time....he plays off of my laughter.

So of course....he amped it up one more notch.

And then lets not forget who suddenly becomes a perfect little angel while middle brother is screaming and causing mama to want to scream.

Funny how that works.

He has been into writing his letters, shapes, and learning all about colors and how they are made. He impresses me daily with how his mind works. he find letters and shapes in everything. The way a shadow hits the wall just right and suddenly he sees a triangle. Or how he was carrying a couple popsicle sticks and realized that they formed a 'K' and then began using them to form other letters. He notices when he is sitting on one foot and suddenly his legs look like a 'P'....

He likes to make me treats. Today it was a jelly bean milk with cocoa in it.....yum......
But I have to say, it was way better than the raisin and rocket ship cracker water from the other day. We saved that one for daddy.

Today he kept making me cards, "because mama, you do berry good with baby."

My heart soared the other day after Cole's soccer practice, he was running over to me, when suddenly he stopped mid run, bent down, grabbed a dandelion and then ran with it stretched out to me and a big proud grin plastered all over his face.
 
I have absolutely adored watching Cole along with Bennett as they take pride in their "big brother" roles.

they make sure baby Davis is well take care of....

Yep. Well taken car of..... indeed.

And Bennett, oh my darling Bennett. You have not changed much since birth....sweet as pie one minute and all spit fire the next. But oh how many smiles have come to my face as I search for the joy in you.

You are trying really really hard to be a big boy, every day. But there are still moments you want to be the baby. You will politely hold your hand in a diving position right above the collar of my shirt. And then look at me with your big blues and ask, "Nursies?" And after making the dive, you excitedly exclaim, "Mama, no milt is toming out!!!"

Or how when you really like something you will throw your hands in the air and say, "This is the best EVER....ever.....ever.....ever" (said with an echo like fade off)

Or how you like to be like Peppa and look for muddy puddles to jump in.

Sometimes you forget a few garments....

My favorite is when you scoot in real close to me, and whisper "Oh mama, your so tweet"

You have always been my very affectionate one, quick to give me kisses, pat my arm and whisper sweet things in my ears.

Your wild hair....you need a hair cut--again! But I hate to cut your hair, because it just makes me smile. Especially when it is all crazy-like, and you....look so debonair.

(Senior picture ready)

How you love to be part of the action, but then often retreat off somewhere to play by yourself. You have a great imagination, and I love listening to you make your animals (usually named mama and Tole) talk to each other.

You still like to crawl up in my lap, ask to hold my hand, and want me to carry you down the stairs.

You cannot be trusted with markers. Period.

We call you scrapper, and are pretty sure that you will be the state champ wrestler some day. You are little, but scrappy (hence the name) and can take Cole down in a split second.  You are quick with your precision as you wrap your arms and legs around his body pinning him to the ground and unable to move.  You giggle with glee when you do this.  Cole laughs and has started calling you "scapper"as well.

You run, and I smile....something about that hoppy little toddler run, blonde curls whisping, and big blue eyes shining that gets me every time.

You still like to come in bed with me in the morning, even though Davis has taken your place right next to me. No big deal, you roll around, ask for my water, take the covers off....then ask for your "tovers mama!" until Davis has no choice but to wake up.  Then you act all surprised that, "Look mama, baby Dabis awate!!!!" And you maneuver your lips in for a kiss, and rub his head (he is going to be bald for sure.....)

And then there is this little bundle of bliss and joy.

Where do I even begin?

You are the epitome of my happy place right now. You calm me down while your brothers are dead set on riling me up.

You sleep on my chest for your longest nap of the day, which just so happens to be your big bro's nap time as well. So naturally I get nothing done during my day...no really, it's true. But I've decided it doesn't matter right now. I would rather hold you than scrub my floor or fold laundry anyways. Because I've become so incredibly aware of how fast this time will slip through my fingers. So I'm holding onto it for dear life.

You are still such a good baby. You have almost changed my mind about being done with having any more. Your daddy thinks we should stop while we are ahead. And he's probably right...he's right about a lot of things.

But seriously, if all babies were like you.....everyone would have 10 kids at least.

You give me the most adorable smiles. You always start smiling with your eyes (you smize in a way that would make Tyra Banks proud) and then it erupts to your lips.

Ah, baby.

Thank you for the these moments. The joy.

And just because I can't get enough of your little feet....

And to my other sweet littles. Though you are putting my heart through the ringer, I love you both more than you will ever know. I wish I could be better at showing that when I act off of my frustration. I promise to do better, to keep looking for the joy even when I am weary and battling you and your big personalities. We will get through the two's and 4's together.

I promise.

Davis: Month 1

Time.

It's going fast. Today I actually held my sleeping baby for nearly 2 1/2 hours while his brothers napped and he snuggled into the perfect crevice of my chin. Much of those minutes that turned to hours were spent crying and pleading with him to stay little, to never stop snuggling, to stay in that moment with me for awhile longer. I whispered in the stillness, that I didn't want this to change, the special time that we share.

I remember with both my other boys I eagerly anticipated what was coming next, with Cole everything was new. And with Bennett I couldn't wait for him to be able to join in and play with Cole. But Davis.....I want him to just stop time. It's hard to imagine him not needing me this much, or him not wanting me this much.

So I will write about it and take pictures of it, so that at least time can be frozen in picture form, and I won't forget the little pieces that make up this present time.

The way your eyes meet mine, and we just...connect. You stare at me, and I at you. (today, you gave me a slight delighted smile, and I nearly lost it right there)

You start to wrinkle your forehead and stick out your lower lip before any cry leaves your lips.

Yes, you have perfected the most adorable pouty lip. And sometimes I can talk you out of whatever it is that pushed that lip out in the first place. And then sometimes I can't.....

Once I scoop you up and nestle you into my neck, your crying subsides. In fact, I have been surprised by how little you cry. Usually it's for the oh-so-stereotypical hungry, tired or poopy....you really don't like dirty diapers.

You are my mellow one. Calm, sweet, easy, with such a gentle spirit.

You like to eat from one side at a time, often. And are the only one of my boys who have dowsed me with projectile spit-up over and over again. So we have to be very careful not to move you around too much after eating.

You are getting some super scrumptious little cheeks regardless. At your 2 1/2 almost 3 week appointment you were up to just a little over 8lbs. In the 30th percentile for weight, 20th for height, and 95th for your head (I'm going with brainiac?).

And that 95th percentile head gets kissed, rubbed, pet a million and one times a day. And not by myself alone....

You still love to hang out with your brothers and they you. Especially when it's in your crib.

I think your brothers actually get a kick out of this more than you...but you go with the flow, even with them taking up your space. So far, this has been the only time you have spent in your crib. You're still in our room with us, and usually join me in bed around 4 or 5 in the morning. I absolutely love the feel of your head laying on my arm, your froggy legs tucked up next to my tummy and the gentle in and out of your breaths.

Whenever you sleep next to me or on me, you always tilt your chin up towards mine. I love this. It makes staring at you and soaking in all your precious little details easier.

Can I just kiss those toes one by one?

You spend most of your day either in my arms, attached to me by form of a carrier, or eating. One of my favorite comments from a nurse while we were still in the hospital was when she came in shortly after I had layed you down in your bassinet for a few moments...probably so I could get up and use the restroom. She looked at you and then at me and said, "Wow, I think that is the first time I haven't seen him attached to you or on you." I prefer it that way, for you will learn to sleep on your own when the time is right. And I won't ever look back and wish I had held you more.

My baby, you have made this month lovely and beautiful. The joy you have brought to my heart, to your daddy's heart and both your brother's, it's unquenchable. You have been the answer to all my prayers for the completion of our family.

You. Everything about you, I love it all.

But I especially love that you are mine to snuggle you in close. (And sometimes I share your snuggles, because they really are the best.)

I'm sure I will cry many more times in your ear to stop growing up, to stay little, to never stop sleeping with your chin turned up and your head nestled under mine. Because time is fleeting. And you, my boy are growing and changing daily.....already.

Baby Dabis you have our hearts, already....in such a short amount of time.

Thanks for breaking us in easy, thanks for making this past month feel like a dream. Thanks for being so snuggly and so completely irresistible.

Happy 1 month sweet boy. We love you fiercely.