Finding the joy

I'm going to be honest, we have had some rough days lately in the attitude department. The days with my two oldest have seemed really, really long. There have been some off the wall tantrums, that annoying disrespectful sinfulness seems to have wrapped its wiry fingers around my oldests heart. And I find myself pleading with my own sinfulness to not allow it to get the better of me, to keep my cool, to not stoop to a 4 year old's level.....and yet, I do. I go there, and probably beyond.

The other day, my mood was so down the drain that I decided I had two choices. I could either let it continue on the course that I had allowed it to go. Or, I could start looking for the joy.

I chose to go looking.

And I found myself smiling more and more throughout the day. This is the joy that is hidden among the rough patches that we are navigating ourselves through.

I found this little (ok, fine. Big) boy.

The one who does everything with passion, excitement, and intent. His one track mind is both my favorite and hardest thing about him. Like his obsession with birthdays. All I can say is we have celebrated Bennett's "birthday" at least 3 times every week this past month. He makes "cakes" out of half onions, piled up fruit (that usually end up good and bruised and practically garbage after all is said and done) I have to light candles, sing "happy birthday" and endure birthday decorations (aka plastic cups, strips of paper, odds and ends) strewn all over the floor of my living room. All in the name of a birthday. So imagine his excitement when it's actually someone's real birthday!

Lately, I hear him going about his day with a new sing-songy narrative that is half folsky, half country twang with some good vibrato thrown in. It's pretty cute.

I'm learning to let go of my fears with this boy. Especially as I watch him bobsledding himself down our hills in his plasma car. Legs propped up, head down...zooming so fast. My heart always skips a beat, and then I remind myself this is just the beginning....deep breaths.

I didn't even know he knew how to cross his eyes until he wanted me to take the above picture. It makes me laugh every time....he plays off of my laughter.

So of course....he amped it up one more notch.

And then lets not forget who suddenly becomes a perfect little angel while middle brother is screaming and causing mama to want to scream.

Funny how that works.

He has been into writing his letters, shapes, and learning all about colors and how they are made. He impresses me daily with how his mind works. he find letters and shapes in everything. The way a shadow hits the wall just right and suddenly he sees a triangle. Or how he was carrying a couple popsicle sticks and realized that they formed a 'K' and then began using them to form other letters. He notices when he is sitting on one foot and suddenly his legs look like a 'P'....

He likes to make me treats. Today it was a jelly bean milk with cocoa in it.....yum......
But I have to say, it was way better than the raisin and rocket ship cracker water from the other day. We saved that one for daddy.

Today he kept making me cards, "because mama, you do berry good with baby."

My heart soared the other day after Cole's soccer practice, he was running over to me, when suddenly he stopped mid run, bent down, grabbed a dandelion and then ran with it stretched out to me and a big proud grin plastered all over his face.
 
I have absolutely adored watching Cole along with Bennett as they take pride in their "big brother" roles.

they make sure baby Davis is well take care of....

Yep. Well taken car of..... indeed.

And Bennett, oh my darling Bennett. You have not changed much since birth....sweet as pie one minute and all spit fire the next. But oh how many smiles have come to my face as I search for the joy in you.

You are trying really really hard to be a big boy, every day. But there are still moments you want to be the baby. You will politely hold your hand in a diving position right above the collar of my shirt. And then look at me with your big blues and ask, "Nursies?" And after making the dive, you excitedly exclaim, "Mama, no milt is toming out!!!"

Or how when you really like something you will throw your hands in the air and say, "This is the best EVER....ever.....ever.....ever" (said with an echo like fade off)

Or how you like to be like Peppa and look for muddy puddles to jump in.

Sometimes you forget a few garments....

My favorite is when you scoot in real close to me, and whisper "Oh mama, your so tweet"

You have always been my very affectionate one, quick to give me kisses, pat my arm and whisper sweet things in my ears.

Your wild hair....you need a hair cut--again! But I hate to cut your hair, because it just makes me smile. Especially when it is all crazy-like, and you....look so debonair.

(Senior picture ready)

How you love to be part of the action, but then often retreat off somewhere to play by yourself. You have a great imagination, and I love listening to you make your animals (usually named mama and Tole) talk to each other.

You still like to crawl up in my lap, ask to hold my hand, and want me to carry you down the stairs.

You cannot be trusted with markers. Period.

We call you scrapper, and are pretty sure that you will be the state champ wrestler some day. You are little, but scrappy (hence the name) and can take Cole down in a split second.  You are quick with your precision as you wrap your arms and legs around his body pinning him to the ground and unable to move.  You giggle with glee when you do this.  Cole laughs and has started calling you "scapper"as well.

You run, and I smile....something about that hoppy little toddler run, blonde curls whisping, and big blue eyes shining that gets me every time.

You still like to come in bed with me in the morning, even though Davis has taken your place right next to me. No big deal, you roll around, ask for my water, take the covers off....then ask for your "tovers mama!" until Davis has no choice but to wake up.  Then you act all surprised that, "Look mama, baby Dabis awate!!!!" And you maneuver your lips in for a kiss, and rub his head (he is going to be bald for sure.....)

And then there is this little bundle of bliss and joy.

Where do I even begin?

You are the epitome of my happy place right now. You calm me down while your brothers are dead set on riling me up.

You sleep on my chest for your longest nap of the day, which just so happens to be your big bro's nap time as well. So naturally I get nothing done during my day...no really, it's true. But I've decided it doesn't matter right now. I would rather hold you than scrub my floor or fold laundry anyways. Because I've become so incredibly aware of how fast this time will slip through my fingers. So I'm holding onto it for dear life.

You are still such a good baby. You have almost changed my mind about being done with having any more. Your daddy thinks we should stop while we are ahead. And he's probably right...he's right about a lot of things.

But seriously, if all babies were like you.....everyone would have 10 kids at least.

You give me the most adorable smiles. You always start smiling with your eyes (you smize in a way that would make Tyra Banks proud) and then it erupts to your lips.

Ah, baby.

Thank you for the these moments. The joy.

And just because I can't get enough of your little feet....

And to my other sweet littles. Though you are putting my heart through the ringer, I love you both more than you will ever know. I wish I could be better at showing that when I act off of my frustration. I promise to do better, to keep looking for the joy even when I am weary and battling you and your big personalities. We will get through the two's and 4's together.

I promise.