My baby may barely be the size of a kumquat, but he/she has no doubt moved in and is working on making itself quite comfortable in my belly. I still sit and stare at my growing belly in awe that there is yet another life inside my womb. Sometimes I get teary eyed, sometimes I get so excited I want to burst into joyful laughter, and sometimes I am stricken with immense fear. I fear whether I am capable of raising another baby alongside my precious toddler. I fear that I will fail in some way as a mother, and that all my baby instincts have shot off into la-la land, never to be found again. I fear that my home will crumble into shambles because I won't be able to keep up with two little ones, and all the laundry, cleaning, cooking, and organizing that needs to coincide in perfect harmony.
But amongst that fear I have found peace, peace that God obviously sees beyond what I can see. He knows my weaknesses and my strengths, He has allowed me to raise one little boy and apparently He knows that my boy needs a sibling and that I must be capable. With the knowledge that this is God's plan, God's story weaving in and out of my life; I find strength. Strength when I feel so sick that I don't know how I will make it through the day, and suddenly it's nighttime and I realize we made it. Strength when I lay my head down on the floor because I feel too sick to stand upright and my precious boy comes barreling over to snuggle up next to me. Strength when my sense of smell is no longer my enemy and I can pick up a pot and pan to make dinner. Strength when those knubby little hands wrap around my neck in a bear hug. Strength when I look down and see my belly expanding and growing bigger each day, and I am reminded of God's hands knitting that kumquat of a baby together in my womb. God makes no mistakes. Nothing is without intention. How thankful I am to serve a God who knows me better than myself.
I honestly wasn't intending on laying out my innermost fears for the world to see. But apparently my heart was in much need of a venting session. I actually was wanting to start a weekly post about the development of my baby. Something that I have seen on several other blogs, and thought, what a perfect way to keep my family and friends in the baby loop.....especially those that are a state away.
While this picture is actually from last week, not a whole lot has changed other than my belly is starting to look that size in the morning rather than just in the evening.
How far along? 10 weeks, 6 days
Total weight gain/loss: about 4 lbs
Maternity clothes? No, not yet...however I have a hard time buttoning my pants, and have started wearing the belly band from time to time.
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Horrible, horrible sleep....I seem to sleep soundly from 10:30-2:30....and then am wide awake for a good chunk of the night!
Best moment this week: Actually looking somewhat pregnant!
Have you told family and friends: Yes!
Miss Anything? Sushi and fried...runny eggs
Movement: Not yet
Food cravings: anything and everything avocado, citrus, tomato based pasta dishes, flour tortillas, plain bagels with cream cheese, watermelon sour patch...and yesterday I wanted potato chips like none other (I resisted the urge).
Anything making you queasy or sick: coffee, and anything with a white creamy base (such as alfredo sauce, or soup with a cream base.....oh man, I need to stop thinking about it)
Have you started to show yet: I think I am, my bump seemed to really pop out in the evening, but as of this morning it was pretty much prominent in the AM.
Gender prediction: Girl
Labor Signs: No
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? On
Happy or Moody most of the time: Well, this can change in the blink of an eye...for the most part happy, but I can cry at the drop of a pin.....and may have been a little irrational earlier this week when we were late for a Dr. appointment, sorry honey.
Weekly Wisdom: Eat what sounds good at the moment.....because if you try and eat something because it is healthy even though it makes you sick....you may not ever be able to look at it again (spinach).
Looking forward to: Feeling movement and finding out the gender!