End of a Chapter

It's final.

Bennett has officially weaned completely. And.....I am sad. I knew I would be, especially when my body and emotions completely headed in a plummeted direction the MOMENT we first started the process.

It was crazy, like really, really crazy. The emotions.

I remember calling my sister (or maybe emailed) and said I couldn't stop crying. I felt a bit like a hormonal-crazed psycho.  I would cry over the stupidest stuff...there not being (what I felt) adequate amount of frosting to frost a cake (there was). The shredded carrots weren't shredded small enough (they were). Or Kyle said something, and I took it in the complete opposite direction....and would cry and cry and cry. I cried because I looked at the ends of my hair, and they were splitting (badly). I cried because I had to make dinner, make lunch, make anything. I cried because my babies were growing up.

Or sometimes I just cried like my heart was breaking into a thousand little pieces. For no reason--at all.

I've been down a dark spiral before, and I remember feeling like I could easily go there.....and for what? There was absolutely nothing saddening happening in my life! So, I quickly turned to dr. internet for a diagnosis. And I learned that some women, especially those that do extended breastfeeding can sometimes be at risk for delayed postpartum depression, or something that kind of resembles it. And that it can last for several weeks to months until their hormones balance out again. Thankfully, it only took me a couple weeks to stop the insane waterworks.

But I find it weird that no one ever talks about it. Which is why I thought I would share my own personal story, because maybe it would help give someone else a bit of a heads up, and that no, you aren't crazy....even though you feel in every ounce of you that you are.

Aside from the uncontrollable hormones, there were also the sentimental thoughts that would rush over me.

I wouldn't be needed by him as much any more. 

He isn't my little baby any more.

What if he continues to wake up every hour every night for the rest of his life and I have no way to soothe him back to sleep. 

Surprisingly, He has been sleeping better (thank you Jesus), he didn't put up a fight when the last feeding suddenly disappeared, he still loves to snuggle, and he still needs me.

Sometimes I think it is all too easy to assume the worst is going to happen, and then they go and prove you wrong. They are so good at that.

I am definitely going to miss my one on one time with my Benny boy, it was incredibly special, incredibly meaningful. Something that I will cherish for the rest of my days. And as much as I hoped that I would be happy with the new found "freedom", I'm not. But I will get there. At least I'm not crying every millisecond over it.

I'm also very thankful that he is responding so well to it.....part of me wanted a wee bit of a fight, but then I probably wouldn't have followed through with the final step. 

So here we go, trudging onward....onto bigger things, new endeavors, and a littles growing up faster than I can chug a cup of coffee.

I'm ready....I think....ok, I am.

Maybe..... ;)

Hallelujah

I'm scared to even type this, because it seems a jinx always quickly follows. However, I'm gonna do it anyways.

They SLEEP. Or I should say, Bennett sleeps.

He still freaks out if I leave the room before he falls asleep. So I spend a good chunk of time coaxing him to drift off to sweet slumber by way of rubbing his back....and then ssssllllooooooowwwwly tip-toeing backward towards the door. And I swear he has a sixth sense, and knows (even while fast asleep) the moment....THE MOMENT I gently close the door.

And this is usually the look I give in my head as he starts yelling and kicking his disgruntles.

But you know what? I don't even care, because he's actually giving us sleep at night. And that, is worth every 50 times I have to walk back over to his crib, lean over on my tippy toes, and rub that precious little back.

Because honestly, they are only this little, this snuggly for so long. He is such a snuggle bug, goodness, it kills me. And this is now how he prefers to watch Daniel Tiger, I am expected to lay on the couch while he snuggles on top...can't say I mind.

And let me tell you, when you get sleep, you have sooo much energy! Imagine that. I didn't feel like I was having to force myself to get out and play with the boys. And it has been a truly wonderful week.
Here is a little recap of how we've been enjoying our days (the garden planting actually happened a couple weekends ago)

Kyle and the boys worked hard on potting some plants and planting a "garden" every day Cole runs out to look at his vegitabulls. (And Bennett did his share of supervising with some awesome bed hair)

 We scored and happened to have found the best solution for our pots out front.

Who needs plants when you have cuties like that?

The boys love to help Kyle with anything that has anything to do with dirt, grass, and digging. And are often trailing behind him while he's trying to mow the lawn or working in the yard. Last week he actually found a frog while mowing. This was very exciting for Cole.....Bennett, while a bit intrigued, wanted nothing to do with it, and kept trying to get me to put it down.

I love the last pic, right after that was taken, Mr B grabbed my hand and tried to physically get me to put the frog down. He's always got a way with making things happen his way.

It's also been very sweet watching him grow and gain independence from my leg. Multiple times throughout the day he will wander off, and I find him quietly playing by himself. Sometimes I just sit in the distance and watch him and his imagination. I have to be sneaky because once he makes eye contact with me, it's all over and the moment is lost. Here are a couple of those sweet moments.

In between the quiet escapes, he spends the rest of his time trailing behind either Cole or myself.  Here is just one example....

I find him mimicking Cole, and usually repeating the naughty things Cole says. He has discovered the joy of saying No, or "Maaaawwwww" as he prefers saying.

The other day he actually bit me, talk about a shock! I thought he took a chunk out of my arm, and when I scolded him he stuck out his lower lip and leaned in for kiss after kiss. He doesn't like making his mama unhappy.

Cole has had a growing fascination with pirates (thanks to Jake) and this is his take on the modern day pirate.

Not sure if the one boot is supposed to be a peg leg or what, but I think the In-and-Out hat is a nice touch, as is the no clothes. I hear a lot of "Arrrr, Arrrr's" and there are usually swords, and maps and treasure to be found. We look for a lot of treasure round here.

With all the nice weather  and treasure hunts, we spend the majority of our days outdoors. We have just loved our backyard for this season, it has plenty of rocks to climb and trees to go on "jungle hunts" in.

This is the look he has been giving when he succeeds in climbing atop the rock and balancing on it.

Also, not sure if you can see it or not, but he has a whole host of bruises on his noggin. I call him my bruiser....I'm sure he will be the first with a broken bone....

But the bruises don't stop this kid from trying the same daring things over and over again. The other day Kyle turned around to the hollers of Mr B, to his surprise he found him balancing on the handles of his plasma car, and he was upset because he couldn't figure out how to get down.  He is bound and determined to give me a heart attack!

And then there is this boy.
Glamor shots, what?

He is pushing his luck and plenty of buttons lately. But in between those defiant outbreaks, there are the tender moments that remind me, he is still the same sweet boy,  just going through a little rough patch.

This, oh this, is one of those "tender" moments.

He stops what he's doing to pick me flowers or make me leaf bouquets. And while he's bringing them to me he has a look full of love plastered all over his face. 

He also never ceases to make me laugh on a daily basis.

Excuse the bunsies. But they make an appearance daily....and those boots, his favorite accessory.

And this.....

Poor Bennett, didn't see it coming...actually, he probably did....because this happens every time Cole gets a hold of the hose. And he has learned to just smile through it. Such a trooper.

And then most of our days are rounded out with this.

They love him. So do I.

And I also love that we are getting more sleep. Makes the day to day life extra wonderful.

Hallelujah!

Sleep.

I'm really glad I chose to wait to post anything more until today. And here is why, I was running off of coffee and not much steam. I was emotional, irrational, and thinking through a glass half empty. And when I started writing this blog I wanted it #1 to be a way for me to document our life as we learn with our children. And #2 I wanted it to be used to encourage other mom's as we walk this windy road together.

Awhile back I read a blog post that had been taking over the FB world with a lot of force. And what was meant as a witty, sarcastic, and funny post about life with 3 children.....left me sobbing and feeling completely defeated. You see, I have dreamed of having 3 kids one day....but more often than not, I feel like there is no possible way I could do it. According to that blog post, my perspective on life and children would take a drastic turn the moment #3 enters my world. She didn't paint much of a picture of love and nurture, but of all the things that go horribly wrong with three. There didn't really seem to be much hope other than the small disclaimer at the end where she stated that she truly did in fact love her children. But she might as well have left that part out...because by the time I got to that line, my heart was already broken. She had done a great job to pin point all the doubts that I had been struggling with already and magnifying them.

I vowed that I never wanted to become one of those bloggers, the ones who write with their negative glasses on. The ones that cause other moms to doubt, to cry, to debate whether or not they have what it takes.

While I feel it is beautiful to write with honesty and depict true life...because lets be honest, parenthood isn't all butterflies and 1st birthdays. It's hard. It's challenging. But among all that, it is the one true thing (besides Christ and my hubby) that breathes life into my heart. If you aren't honest about the tough stuff, you aren't honest about life with littles.

I hope that in no way have any of my writings brought discouragement.

And let me tell you this, even if you have week long battles of defiance, or 20 months of no sleep. There are always days that wipe those from your memory. And mine came last night. Both boy's gave me nearly 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep--sweet, sweet blissful sleep. And Bennett actually went down for his nap, in his crib and not like this. ( it took a little convincing, a little standing over his crib, rubbing his back and telling him to lay his head down, over and over again.)

Or passed out on me, because that was the only way I could get him to sleep without screaming for hours and hours most of last week. (oh yes, when he makes his mind up to fight it....he fights it.) I think we had a 5 hour battle two nights ago....that persistence, will pay off one day...at least that's what I keep telling myself.

It's been a rough week around this joint.

On Mother's Day Kyle was telling me about a coworkers wife who got to take a weekend away with girlfriends for her Mother's Day. And to be honest, for a split second I was a bit jealous....I thought how just one night away to get uninterrupted sleep would be bliss. And then Bennett came running up to me, wrapped his arms around my neck, and leaned in for a kiss. And that moment of blissful thinking was taken over by blissful reality. Had I taken off for the weekend, I would have missed that. That spontaneous kiss, that squeeze that rocks my world.....every single time. And those are the things you can't get back if you happen to miss them.

That's what makes doing the nitty-gritty-feel-like-I-might-lose-my-marbles-if-I-get-woken-up-one-more-time, worth it.

And a solid night of sleep definitely helps in the perspective refresh. Sooooo much so. And it gives me the feeling that, yes, I can do this. I really, really can.

Especially when that same sleeping boy in the above pic, looks at me....points both index fingers in the air, and says "Bum mo" (one more) in reference to the jelly beans that he thinks he should get. And I give him one, because we are celebrating today, to a good night's rest.

Amen to that. Jelly Beans all around!

Dedication

It's been a fuzzy past couple of days around here. Alot of being awake and not much sleeping (future blog post on that later)

But this past weekend was very special, no I'm not going to go into a Mother's Day post....although, I could, I have an incredible mother who could easily take up a whole blog post. (Mom, you are amazing and I love your dearly!) And I also have two amazingly sweet boy's who made me a mama so that I can happily celebrate such a day.

However, this past Mother's Day we got to do something very special and dear to my heart. We got to dedicate our Bennett boy at church.

This little baby boy who overtook our hearts 20 months ago.....

Photo: Amy W Photo

Photo: Amy W. Photo

Photo: Amy W. Photo

.....Is growing, and changing, and turning into quite the toddler.

Seriously, he's got one heck of a personality. Sweet as pie one second and fire the next. But mostly sweet. I swear empathy seeps from his little heart. He is the first to kiss, hug and stroke my face if needed. He wraps his arms around my neck and squeezes with all his might. He is a lover. And a follower of his brother. He watches, and follows, and tries to imitate, respond, and be everything Cole.

I can tell when he's concentrating because his little tongue sticks out, just like his daddy does (and like his mama used to do before she would haul off and hit her sister....sorry, Joy).

And he is showing me just exactly how much I can't rely on myself to do this mothering thing. Daily, I have to go to my Lord in prayer because I don't know what I'm doing....probably 99.9% of the time. For all the ways I thought I had this parenting thing figured out with Cole (which wasn't a lot, might I add) he is making me start from scratch. And the need to then throw in some more prayer.

I knew when they announced at church that they were doing baby dedications on Mother's Day,  it was time. It was time to stand before our church family and ask for the support and prayers that we needed to raise this firecracker of a boy.

It was an opportunity to publicly proclaim that we would try to raise him to walk with Christ, to be a leader of all things good, and to grow in strength and love of our God. A chance to ask for the help that we so desperately need, the prayer that we can keep up our end of the bargain, and for support and direction in the times when we fail.

Because we will, fail that is. It's inevitable in this journey called parenthood.

So we spent our morning sweating, full of nerves, and rejoicing as we spoke and shared our journey with the family we call church. And we gave this bow-tie laden boy to God, to His plan and not our own. How we pray he tucks these words into heart as he grows older in years.

Below, are some pics as we spent being surrounded by family and friends.

We arrived and Bennett looked like he was about ready to pass out from exhaustion ....perhaps if he had spent the night sleeping....

And then we waited for the cue to head up front.

After heading up front and listening to all the other parent's, Bennett seemed to need to distract himself from all the staring faces. So he started poking my eyes saying "eeeeeeeeye's" and moved on down to my nose, lips and then homing in for kiss after kiss. The kid was working it.

At this point, unknown to myself, he was flipping and twisting around, doing the whole jello move to get out of Kyle's arms. And I was trying to recover from the tears that I had pouring down my cheeks.

Our Dedication to our Bennett Boy

"When trying to decide what to name our baby boy, we came across Bennett, and it was one of the first names we both actually agreed on. Then Kyle happened to look up the meaning, it meant "Blessed one" and we knew that Bennett would be his forever name.

Even while in my belly we knew that this little boy was very blessed and would bless us more than we could ever imagine. At just 28 weeks we were  reminded that our blessed little one was not our own, was not in our hands, and was not ours to bring into this world. But he was God's. We listened as our doctor told us that it appeared our baby may not be growing, and that the ultrasound showed signs of enlarged ventricles in his brain. In that moment we had no where else to turn but to the God that created him. In that moment we knew God had great plans for him, what they were...we didn't know.

At 36 weeks amazingly what seemed to be our millionth u/s they cleared him of all complications, and he was born to us at 39 weeks full of life, spunk, and so much sweetness.

We wanted to publicly dedicate Bennett today, as a way to ask for the constant prayer, the constant support and the constant reminder that while God generously gave him to us to parent him, that he is ultimately not ours. Just as we had to trust Him with his life in the womb, we want to do so with his life in our arms. We know we will make mistakes, we will fail and fall....but we want to do everything in our earthly power to raise him in the light, to teach him to walk the straight and narrow, and to show him what it is like to fall in love with a God who loved him first. Our prayer is that once he finds that love he will let it take over his heart completely.

Thank you for praying alongside us and for holding us accountable as we raise our son."