Monday, May 26, 2014

End of a Chapter

It's final.

Bennett has officially weaned completely. And.....I am sad. I knew I would be, especially when my body and emotions completely headed in a plummeted direction the MOMENT we first started the process.

It was crazy, like really, really crazy. The emotions.

I remember calling my sister (or maybe emailed) and said I couldn't stop crying. I felt a bit like a hormonal-crazed psycho.  I would cry over the stupidest stuff...there not being (what I felt) adequate amount of frosting to frost a cake (there was). The shredded carrots weren't shredded small enough (they were). Or Kyle said something, and I took it in the complete opposite direction....and would cry and cry and cry. I cried because I looked at the ends of my hair, and they were splitting (badly). I cried because I had to make dinner, make lunch, make anything. I cried because my babies were growing up.

Or sometimes I just cried like my heart was breaking into a thousand little pieces. For no reason--at all.

I've been down a dark spiral before, and I remember feeling like I could easily go there.....and for what? There was absolutely nothing saddening happening in my life! So, I quickly turned to dr. internet for a diagnosis. And I learned that some women, especially those that do extended breastfeeding can sometimes be at risk for delayed postpartum depression, or something that kind of resembles it. And that it can last for several weeks to months until their hormones balance out again. Thankfully, it only took me a couple weeks to stop the insane waterworks.

But I find it weird that no one ever talks about it. Which is why I thought I would share my own personal story, because maybe it would help give someone else a bit of a heads up, and that no, you aren't crazy....even though you feel in every ounce of you that you are.

Aside from the uncontrollable hormones, there were also the sentimental thoughts that would rush over me.

I wouldn't be needed by him as much any more. 

He isn't my little baby any more.

What if he continues to wake up every hour every night for the rest of his life and I have no way to soothe him back to sleep. 

Surprisingly, He has been sleeping better (thank you Jesus), he didn't put up a fight when the last feeding suddenly disappeared, he still loves to snuggle, and he still needs me.

Sometimes I think it is all too easy to assume the worst is going to happen, and then they go and prove you wrong. They are so good at that.

I am definitely going to miss my one on one time with my Benny boy, it was incredibly special, incredibly meaningful. Something that I will cherish for the rest of my days. And as much as I hoped that I would be happy with the new found "freedom", I'm not. But I will get there. At least I'm not crying every millisecond over it.

I'm also very thankful that he is responding so well to it.....part of me wanted a wee bit of a fight, but then I probably wouldn't have followed through with the final step. 

So here we go, trudging onward....onto bigger things, new endeavors, and a littles growing up faster than I can chug a cup of coffee.

I'm ready....I think....ok, I am.

Maybe..... ;)

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