Wish I could have the same enthusiasm.
But honestly, it's been hard, real hard....like, not sure if we can do this again hard. Perhaps I am talking out of lack of sleep, and raw house hunting disappointment emotion...my mom is praying that is the case.
Just to be clear, I would not trade my two boys for the world. I would go a thousand plus nights of no sleep if I had to. But I am praying....no, more like pleading with God to not make me do that. Already I feel as if I may die of exhaustion. And this is coming from a person who is used to functioning on little to no sleep.
We seem to be on a slippery slope of a downward spiral in the sleep department. Frankly I am more than fine getting up every 2-3 hours for feedings. That's fine, that is what I expect when having a baby and breastfeeding. What I didn't plan on was a baby who would rather be up ALL NIGHT instead of sleep. I can't even begin to count the times I have cried to Kyle saying, "we have ruined him, he will never ever sleep".
I blame it on circumstance, we have kind of been at the mercy of our surroundings. And unfortunately is seems that wherever we have lived since Bennett was born hasn't given us ample opportunity to sleep train in the slightest. It wouldn't be fair to those around us or even us or our baby for that matter.
Which is why we need a new home. We need a place where we can finally let down our roots and allow them to grow. A home to create stability for our family, and to allow us to develop both boys in a fair fashion.
And yet, I don't understand why we can't find what we need.
People say the right one will come along....will it? I mean, honestly....will it?
I read countless updates and blogs about friends who were in our exact situation and it was like God handed them a home on a silver platter. Perfect for them, just what they wanted, and exactly as they needed. I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy and then slight ache when I pray daily that God will provide for us as well, and it seems to fall on deaf ears. I know, it's silly really...in the grand scheme of things. And deep in my heart I know that there is a listening ear, and there is a plan, and there is a house.
But sometimes my doubts seem bigger than that truth.
And then I think of how stupid it is for me to worry, stress, and cry about this. Because there are many people in far worse situations than ours, some people going through unbearable circumstances, and gut wrenching pain.
Who am I to be crying over not finding the perfect house? Or not getting sleep?
I suppose that is the power of doubt, it makes even the smallest trial seem like the biggest mountain.
And for a God that moves mountains on a daily basis, surely He can find us a home. And after two cups of coffee this morning, it is clear He definitely knows how to provide me energy to make it through the day.
Now if He could just sprinkle a little sleeping sand on my sweet boy at night, and whisper in his cute little ear that nighttime is not the time to practice crawling, to talk and scream, and definitely not time to roll next to mama and practice his dance moves that he just learned (although extremely cute and adorable...I would have a much difference response if it wasn't 3am!)
I'm tired and raw right now, but am going to put my mom pants on (ok, not mom mom pants) clear my head with maybe another cup of coffee, and trudge my weary soul through some more houses today.
Going to try and keep my heart in an optimistic state, and keep God in front to lead us, because clearly I do a sorry job leading myself.