Sunday, May 19, 2013

Imagine if he actually slept....

That's on little to no sleep people.

Wish I could have the same enthusiasm.

But honestly, it's been hard, real, not sure if we can do this again hard. Perhaps I am talking out of lack of sleep, and raw house hunting disappointment mom is praying that is the case.

Just to be clear, I would not trade my two boys for the world. I would go a thousand plus nights of no sleep if I had to. But I am, more like pleading with God to not make me do that. Already I feel as if I may die of exhaustion. And this is coming from a person who is used to functioning on little to no sleep.

We seem to be on a slippery slope of a downward spiral in the sleep department. Frankly I am more than fine getting up every 2-3 hours for feedings. That's fine, that is what I expect when having a baby and breastfeeding. What I didn't plan on was a baby who would rather be up ALL NIGHT instead of sleep.  I can't even begin to count the times I have cried to Kyle saying, "we have ruined him, he will never ever sleep".

I blame it on circumstance, we have kind of been at the mercy of our surroundings. And unfortunately is seems that wherever we have lived since Bennett was born hasn't given us ample opportunity to sleep train in the slightest. It wouldn't be fair to those around us or even us or our baby for that matter.

Which is why we need a new home. We need a place where we can finally let down our roots and allow them to grow. A home to create stability for our family, and to allow us to develop both boys in a fair fashion.

And yet, I don't understand why we can't find what we need.

People say the right one will come along....will it? I mean, honestly....will it?

I read countless updates and blogs about friends who were in our exact situation and it was like God handed them a home on a silver platter. Perfect for them, just what they wanted, and exactly as they needed. I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy and then slight ache when I pray daily that God will provide for us as well, and it seems to fall on deaf ears. I know, it's silly the grand scheme of things. And deep in my heart I know that there is a listening ear, and there is a plan, and there is a house.

But sometimes my doubts seem bigger than that truth.

And then I think of how stupid it is for me to worry, stress, and cry about this. Because there are many people in far worse situations than ours, some people going through unbearable circumstances, and gut wrenching pain.

Who am I to be crying over not finding the perfect house? Or not getting sleep?

I suppose that is the power of doubt, it makes even the smallest trial seem like the biggest mountain.
And for a God that moves mountains on a daily basis, surely He can find us a home. And after two cups of coffee this morning, it is clear He definitely knows how to provide me energy to make it through the day.

Now if He could just sprinkle a little sleeping sand on my sweet boy at night, and whisper in his cute little ear that nighttime is not the time to practice crawling, to talk and scream, and definitely not time to roll next to mama and practice his dance moves that he just learned (although extremely cute and adorable...I would have a much difference response if it wasn't 3am!)

I'm tired and raw right now, but am going to put my mom pants on (ok, not mom mom pants) clear my head with maybe another cup of coffee, and trudge my weary soul through some more houses today.

Going to try and keep my heart in an optimistic state, and keep God in front to lead us, because clearly I do a sorry job leading myself.


  1. Caley!
    I know how you feel! Well partly. With my first son we were moving all the time and he was sick with several ear infections his entire first 2 years of life. I thought he'd NEVER EVER sleep. I mean I was convinced it would be that way until he was 20. :) I am so sorry things are hard. We often feel guilty for feeling doubt or when comparing our trials to others but truly no one knows just how hard our own situations are except the Lord. So it may seem small to others but for you right now it is well, like you said above! I also know that for me, lack of sleep can make my world seem so so so much worse than it is. Exhaustion is a powerful depressant!!! I wish so badly I could just take those kids for a couple of nights so you could sleep. I'm not kidding. I have prayed that would happen for me and I swear when my kids are older and gone I will find someone in our situation and do JUST that! I pray you guys will find a home soon. I just wanted you to know that I feel some of your pain :) My 3rd is still waking up for no apparent reason (he's 2 1/2) and my 4th has not yet managed to sleep consistently through the night. Then when the older ones wake up for a drink or with a bad dream I want to throw my pillow at the door and scream terrible things ha ha. Hang in there.
    Karla ps you are doing the most incredible work on earth. Remember that.

  2. Oh, dear friend of mine,
    Can I climb in your boat with you? We may as well paddle together. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture so our sweet little ones with their adorable smiles and winsome ways, torture us by not sleeping soundly. Or at all. I do know well exactly what you have described.

    Can I add one thing? Bennett not seeming to need as much sleep, or any sleep, is not your parenting. I thought that for the longest time about our Bryant. I thought, "I'm desperately trying to do what is right and I'm failing because he's not sleeping!" It's just his personality. As he has gotten older we have been able to train him to stay in bed and sleep, at the very least, on our floor. Bennett will increasingly make you laugh hysterically, love immeasurably, and stretch yourself in ways you didn't know were possible to stretch. Bryant is dynamic. It sounds like your sweet Bennett is, too. That is a very good thing. Hard in these years, but good.

    You can't do it all on your own, sweet friend. None of us can. People say God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. I've found that to be completely untrue. :) But He does provide the strength, either in the form of a grandparent who can take the boys for a WHOLE day (pump some bottles!) and as you're comfortable even overnight, or through friends, or through the mercy of that sweet child finally catching some zzz's on their own (or with the help of baby Benadryl. Seriously.)

    And I am quite serious when I say if you have more 3 am dance sessions with your little guy, call me. I am definitely awake by then. We have 2 early risers who get up at 5. I'm up. Call me.

    I love your honesty; there are more of us than you think who burst into tears at the sight of a child in our face. :) Even though we would die for that child. We are giving ourselves, in every sense, to these babies.

    I wish, like Karla, that I could snag those boys for you for a good breather. And we have 3 that rotate throughout the night. E likes to have a snack at 10pm. Then midnight. Then Bryant usually is up by about 2am because he either wet the bed or just wanted company. And he turns into a starfish in our bed. And then Stuart will get up about 3 because he just does. then E will be up at about 3:30am. Then E & S rise and shine for the day at 5. And everyone else by about 6:30am. I usually throw a pillow at John at the 5am mark and I'm seriously considering buying a blowhorn as a loving way to say, "YOUR TURN!" :) Wish more than anything I could just give you a big hug right now. I say hang in there. I'll hang in there with you. Love you.

  3. You guys have got to be the sweetest! Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. And can I also say that you both are so so incredible! Seriously here I am whining about juggling two little ones, and you both have double Anna you just moved across country....and still both of you want to come give me a break? i should be the one doing that for you guys, it's not like I'm going to be sleeping anyways ;) You guys are huge role models in my eyes, I just hope I can learn to parent with as much grace as you both.

  4. Hi Caley~
    Wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you on so many levels, that you'll find just the right home, Bennett will sleep more @ night (Have you tried taking Meletonin? It's excreted through breast milk, but not sure about the dosage. Also you could discuss it with your pediatrician. They may have liquid drops you can give him so you don't have to take it too. Some people can tolerate Meletonin just fine, but other find it givse them depression, so just be caution when you first start it. I know many breastfeeding moms who take it, which is excreted into the milk and both mom & babe get a goods night rest. Just thought I'd put that out there. Maybe eliminating Bennett's last nap (IF he & you can tolerate it, or even diminishing the length of the nap, could help) And some kids just don't require as much sleep as others. Your family is in our prayers in many different ways.
    God Bless & much love,
    Mary Lippicott

  5. I'm so sorry to hear about the sleeping!!!! We were just there....actually probably a lot in the middle of it when you were living here. I didn't see an end in sight. I didn't understand how other mom's seemed to handle life so much better. It was a really hard hard time. I will say that I think we're coming out of it. (i'm nervous to even type that in case it comes back:) I'll be praying for you regarding the house and sleep. We are going through the process of buying our house and so I feel like I can relate to both these feelings so much. I know it's tough. I wish I could come grab the kids and give you a day of sleep. I"m praying.

    1. Jessica, I remember reading some posts about you going through no sleep with your little ones. And you my friend, despite what you probably felt always seemed to carry on and parent with such patience, such conviction, and such love. I specifically remember several times watching you in action as you had to discipline and thinking to myself what an incredible mom you are. I pray that you are out of the thick of this. And I will also be praying for you guys as well as you go through the house buying process, I look forward to seeing how you decorate it and make it your are so good at that! Take care friend!

  6. Sound machines, blackout curtain, ear plugs. Those are my recommendations. ;)