Graceful

So here is a little story.

Several weeks ago I took my boys to meet up with a couple other moms at the zoo. Both boys were on there very best behavior, despite the missed naps. It was a breath of fresh air to get out of the house, have some grown up conversation, while watching the wonder of my little boys take in the animals around them.

Did I mention how well behaved both boys were. They made me look like super mom. In fact, I nearly choked when my friend turned to me and said, "You handle parenting two kids with such grace".

Grace. I cringe.

There hasn't been a lot of that around here this week. In fact, I would be pretty embarrassed had you peeked into the curtains of my windows, watching as I handled my job as a mama about as ungracefully as a hippo in ballet.

I lost it on many levels, I blamed it on me being sick, on both boys being sick, on being up all hours of the night, on my husband not being "sensitive enough", "romantic enough", or meeting my every need at every moment.

It was everyone's fault but my own. Not exactly the definition of grace now is it?

I need to get this out there, because I want to be held accountable for my actions. I don't want to be quick to anger, I want to be quick in love. I want to be able to hear the word "grace" and not feel like a fake and failure. I want my grace with my family to be authentic, real, and second-nature.

They deserve it.

Especially when no one is feeling well. It's easy to be graceful when everything is going smoothly, and when your 3 year old doesn't have hour long tantrums, when he isn't yelling, "I need sumpin to eat!" every 5 minutes. When your one year old isn't fighting going down for his naps, waking up every hour and not wanting to sleep in his crib, but rather stay in your bed.....and not sleeping.

Grace can run short and very thin, real quickly.

But it shouldn't, it is something I have to remind myself daily....and possibly hundreds of times throughout the day. Those that warned me being mom would be the hardest job I would ever do...well, they weren't lying. It's hard, it can test the very core of your maturity, your patience, your gracefulness. It also can teach you a great deal about the good and the bad of who you are.

Unfortunately this week has pinpointed more of the bad than the good. I actually had myself a good cry in the car, asking God how I would ever be able to add another sweet little bean to the family without fully losing it. Would I ever be able to find grace, I mean, I have already failed miserably just handling two. And two boys that I love from the depths of my soul. (and no, I'm not pregnant) I question my capabilities of being a mom practically daily, but that moment, in the car I felt completely raw at who I had become and who I was capable of being.

And do you know what was whispered gently to me during my little sob fest in the car?  

Less of you, more of ME.

Wow.

I have gotten way off track this week. I have been pity partying it up about me, how I was feeling, how no one was responding how I wanted them to. Pretty hard to find grace in your heart when your heart is filled up with, me, me, me.

This week has been perfect evidence of the horrible wreck I become when I lose sight of Christ, when I try to lean my own strength, when I stop allowing Him to flow through my heart. I snap, I yell, I squelch little hearts with my anger. I forget to give grace. I forget to model grace. I forget to fill myself up with the grace of my Heavenly Father.

Grace. I welcome you back into my home, please come stay awhile....forever, even. My family deserves it. They need it, I need it. Praise Jesus that He gives it freely and without exceptions.

Less of me, and more of Him. That will be the song of my heart this week. And with that song may grace flow in abundance through our home.

Bare with me my little boys, this mama is a constant work in progress......