Fevers

Today has been tough. Cole came down with a temperature yesterday out of no where. He seemed a little tired all day, but I thought it was due to him waking up several times ALL night and then taking a shorter nap. But when he turned down his milk, and didn't want to eat dinner I knew we were in for it. I took his temp at it was teetering around 100.0 degrees. Then he got those sick eyes (you know the ones that rip your heart out because they are just so sad and glazed over). So I had him lie on the couch while I fed him some Motrin....

So here's the deal. Fevers. Scare. Me.

I have been dreading the next fever episode ever since Bennett's febrile seizure 2 months ago. I thought I had moved past it, finally.

I had reached a point where it wasn't consuming my mind every moment of every day. And then one day out of the blue an ambulance went racing past me while I was driving. Within seconds my cheeks were drenched with tears and all I could see were my baby's eyes rolling back as he convulsed. I gripped the wheel telling my heart over and over that Bennett was fine, he was sitting happily in the seat behind me. My eyes darted to the mirror, and I loosened my grip as I saw his sweet face.

Deep breath.

I was not over it. And honestly, probably never will be. You just don't forget that kind of fear. That kind of  heart-stricken grief that leaches onto your heart when you think the worst.

It's unbearable.

The days following that terrible day, I poured myself into reading all about seizures, what causes them, how to prevent them, what to do, etc. I read blog post after blog post of other mom's who went through identical circumstances, the fear, the desperation, the pleas, all the same.  Every single one of them stated they thought they were losing their baby right before their eyes.

Yet, we didn't (one came close, but thankfully received the appropriate medical attention). It also seemed we all asked the same question, why aren't more parents prepared for something that is supposedly "so common"? Probably because nothing can prepare you for what you think you are seeing.

But still. I wish I had known more. I wish I hadn't felt that I needed to plead for my baby's life, I wish I had known to roll him on his side, to pay attention to what side his eyes rolled, to make sure the tremors weren't focused on one side, to time how long it lasted, or the main thing...it isn't how high the temp but how quickly it gets there. Because of that, I have to be on top of each and every fever Bennett has from here on out.  There were so many things I wish I had known or had been warned to watch out for.

Now I know more, and would like to encourage every mother, father, grandparent to read about febrile seizures, be prepared, know what to expect. Because while most of them are completely harmless there are still some that are very dangerous...especially if they exceed longer than 15 minutes. I'm pretty sure Bennett's came close to 10.

Will I remain calm? Probably not. But at least I can try. At least I know more.

I still pray that Bennett doesn't catch this fever that Cole has, and maybe he won't. And maybe some day they won't be as scary as they are right now. I'm sure at some point I will have to come to grips with the fact that fevers happen, and not all of them are going to send my baby into an epileptic state.

Until then, I will be the over protective mom that tries to keep her kids in a bubble and avoid every germ like the plague. Because I just love those two little boys more than anything.

More than anything. Especially when I catch them in moments like this.

They couldn't be any more precious.

Love, love, love.