Saturday, February 15, 2014
Has been full. Full of emotions, full of tears, full of feeling like no matter what, I just can't do enough, full of feeling like I'm just plain sinking.
Just being honest.
The truth is, being a mom is beautiful. It's more than I ever could have imagined it to be. It's also hard, very hard. Every day, changes.....it's like shifting sand. No matter what rhythm you've previously found, no matter what you expect to be in place, it is bound to get shaken...sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. Sometimes your day doesn't even come close to what it should be.
I'm learning, that is ok.
It is. It has to be, otherwise I find myself overwhelmed with feeling I just plain can't do it. Especially when your whole house catches the nasty cold that has been making its rounds. And your nights are filled with calming fussy babies, stuffed up toddlers...who delicately put it, "My nose, it not WORKIN!"
Well, while his nose wasn't workin, my heart seemed to be in the same predicament. I wanted to yell at my Heavenly Father...."MY HEART, IT JUST NOT WORKIN!"And neither was my patience for that matter....
I was tired, I grew weary, I got sick. I felt like I had a bazillion things that were expected of me, and the more I tried, the more I disappointed.
I allowed my heart to be filled with things other than what it should. I lost sight of the fact, that my purpose is right here, in this home, to nurture and love and tend to these little hearts. That is my calling for the now.
Sometimes I forget to embrace it as much as I should, especially when it is hard. And then these littles that I love so dearly gently remind me.
Be in the here. Let go of everything else.
Even when you spend more time wiping noses and bottoms, and when you're up more in the middle of the night than you are asleep. When you feel like your whole day consists of dragging a 3 year old to timeout....over and over...and over again. When your littlest throws a conniption fit if you walk in the opposite direction, even the slightest. Or when you vacuum up cheerios for the umpteenth time in a span of 10 minutes.....and you feel like you might actually crack if you step in one more sticky spot right after you mop the floor.
And look for those sweet moments in between the daily grind. Because they are there, sometimes when you least expect it.
Like when your youngest decides to only take a 25 minute nap, but finds comfort snuggled up with mama on the couch, and then mama gets her own needed nap with a warm, snugly baby at her side.
Or when the oldest takes a break from the outbursts of reckless emotions that he is still trying to figure out, and instead channels his inner kind heart as he gently kisses his mama's cheek, and then works long and hard on making the perfect valentine card and then proudly gifts it to his mama saying, "I made dis bor you mama!"
When you give yourself a black eye right in time for Valentine's Day, and you have two little boys hovering over you, concerned and trying to kiss away their own mama's tears.
Sweet moments.Lots of them.
Little tractor sounds, and a boy scooting himself around on one knee to make his tractor move.
The fact that the question "Mama, where is my pink purse" (mama's old school lunch box) was even uttered in a household of boys and then was demanded to be tucked in next to him at night....
I should probably take this as a cue that I desperately need to get that kid his own lunch pale, one in particular, that is not adorned with My Little Ponies and stickers...trucks perhaps? In his defense he fills it with his trains.... does that make it better?
The fact is, that in between the stretched-way-too-thin days, there are so many moments that remind me why I do this. Why I give everything and then some for these precious souls. Why I find joy after the storm, why pink purses, valentines, baby snuggles and slobbery kisses mean so much.
Because, they are worth it. All of it. The hard parts and the good parts. And when I feel like I am sinking, all I have to do is be still and wait. Wait for the joy to overtake my heart. Because more often than not, when I stop wallowing and whining, I am embraced by the most beautiful gift I could ever ask for. And in that I find great contentment, great joy.
Praise God for these two boys, they have changed me for the good....in so many ways. Now to just allow my heart to be a reflection of that good.