So I went into this pregnancy knowing that this would be our last. I went into it with hopes of a smooth and undramatic 9 months. I kept telling God (notice the word, telling) that I didn't think my heart could take another pregnancy like I had with Bennett. I didn't want to be sitting on pins and needles helplessly praying that God would protect my baby, that he would be ok, that I wouldn't lose him before I even got to meet him.
And yet, here we are again. And I'm just barely into the 2nd trimester.
This week, it's been an emotional one. It started early in the week when I woke up at 1 am to cramping and a lot of blood. I cried the rest of the night, just sure that I was losing my baby. Thankfully the bleeding tapered off, and my ultrasound showed a strong beating heart and a sweet little thing kicking and sucking its thumb.
I opted to get the new genetic testing that is non-invasive, basically just so I could stare at my baby one extra time....those ultrasounds never get old. Kyle came with me, and we both left happy and stopped to grab a "waffle cone Wednesday" from TCBY to celebrate the strong little heart that flashed on the screen.
Then the phone call came. My doctor was on the other line, immediately I knew something wasn't right. She sounded sad, yet professional, she said my blood test came back abnormal, and that our baby has a 1 and 29 chance of being born with Down Syndrome. There were a lot of other things said, but I couldn't comprehend much after hearing her words.
I hung up the phone and sobbed. I called Kyle and sobbed. I could hardly get the words out as I told my mom on the other line. I rubbed my belly and told my baby I loved it so much, no matter what any tests confirmed.
My love, it remains the same.
And then I have been telling myself over and over that sometimes these preliminary tests are wrong, but not always and I needed to accept that. And that is what we have been doing this weekend. Processing, allowing some grieving but also finding joy and peace and trust.
The point of me sharing this, is so that we can cover this sweet baby with prayer. Not that you would pray that my baby won't have Down's, but that you would pray for health, and that whatever the outcome, our baby will have a strong heart. Pray for wisdom, for guidance, and that our baby will get to experience life to the fullest. Honestly, the first thought, wasn't that my baby could possibly be "special needs" (praise God for those "special" rays of light, our world needs more of them in it!) but what grieved my heart the most was that my baby may be born with a shorter life expectancy, that I may lose precious time on earth with this baby that I love so dearly. And I realize how very selfish that is. I'm more concerned about my time rather than God's. But I'm human, and a mother, and I love my babes fiercely. That, is my biggest struggle right now, the struggle that breaks my heart.
But fortunately it is a struggle and outcome that God knows. And I am finding so much peace in that.
He knew before the thought of a third child even reached our minds.
He knew as He first began knitting this baby in my womb. He has hand-picked the chromosomes, and He has made this baby perfectly to fit and complete our family. What a joy it is to know that, to have that reassurance.
So please, I ask you, do not pray away Down's, if God chooses that for us, then I feel so incredibly blessed to walk this journey with our precious baby.
We just want a healthy pregnancy so that we can welcome this little one into our lives, and give him/her the best life possible with love overflowing.
We will be meeting with the Genetics specialists and discuss what tests should be done next (sometime this week), please pray for clarity as we make that decision. I refuse to do anything that could harm or put our baby at risk. But at this point, we feel it would be better to get more answers. So that, if the results are in fact reality, then we can begin networking and building a support system as we navigate how to raise our baby.
Thank you for walking this journey with us. For praying with us. We are anxious, learning patience in waiting for answers, and are so incredibly excited to meet our sweet baby. We can't wait to watch God's plan unfold.